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November 20, 2006 • 1:49 pm
:: subject: Quit smoking or not
:: mood: drained

I had intended on Friday being my last day to have a cigarette. I had planned on getting the patches that night and starting them Saturday morning. Well that isn't what happened. Due to a turn of events this weekend I found myself setting back the day everyday.
The weekend, in a whole, seems a blur.

Friday night, I got home from work late & realized I was broke. I need to get to the pharmacy before it closes. I didn't make it. Pharmacy closed. No patches. I totally accept the delay and embrace it. Can always quit Saturday afternoon. By mid Saturday I just decide to get a fresh start and begin the patches Sunday morning. Saturday night I get a call from my love. Not a good call. Specially when it starts out, "This is a free collect call from an inmate at the County Jail", need I say more?

I'm still, even after this, going to try to stop in the morning. Just slap on a patch and go with it.
Sunday Morning.
I put the patch on & it burns and itches like crazy. I start to think maybe it shouldn't be over the tattoo on my shoulder. Oh well deal with it. I am trying and have made it most of the morning when my phone rings again. This time it's a friend, we will just call her QM, she asked what my brother in laws last name is & that he is in the hospital and someone is trying to find him. (My in-laws are Muslim & some of them changed their last names.) So it is a very old friend from back in the day. I end up calling him directly & talking to him to find out what he knows. From what he knows, he has died twice & was brought back & is now on life support. This is all here say from 3rd party people. But don't know what hospital he is at. Call several to no avail. Finally my friend gets a hold of someone that knows & calls me back. (somewhere in there I ripped the patch off & smoked)
I start to have all these emotions about the situation. Why didn't my sister call me? Is my mother in law that mad that I got an attorney & filed for divorce? I was always closer to them than my husband & they knew that. I begin the cycle of emotions. Confused, angry, panic, sad. Do I go see him? All these emotions, so I run to "P" ,since my love is in jail now & I can't call him! He doesn't calm me down the way I want but he distracts me from thinking about it because he is so funny. I need to leave there & go put money on C's books & see him. So I run downtown & drop money off & end up going to visit him too. He calms me down, in the sensible, grown, caring way that I need. He tells me to quit tripping and go see him. To go home get ready to go to my Aunts (we had to do Thanksgiving yesterday) & after that just go see him. That I will feel better once I go see the family and know what is happening, how I would feel if I didn't go, etc, etc. He always makes so much sense and my mind finally begins to slow down... Thank you... I begin to breathe again... Thank you.
At home I have already made to batches of brittle, am finishing the 2 loads of laundry I was doing. Now I can relax for a bit & get dressed to be at my aunts' house at four. Whew!

But wait the phone rings once again. It's my friend with the baby & they need to get to the store for formula. They don't want to leave the apartment because the cops are chasing someone in the apartments and have been told to stay inside. By the time I get there they have already gotten the formula & the cops have some guy in the back of the car that appears to be bleeding pretty heavily. Who knows what happen?
The neighbors yell down that it is their son's first birthday & was I coming over. I told them I was going to my aunts' now & would be back later & stop by. It is now 4pm. I am rushing to get there. I make it. We have a wonderful family dinner then I begin the slide show of my Aunt & her husband's trip to Europe for a month. Beautiful.

The night is never going to end.
We my son & I make it to the hospital at around 8pm. I see everyone & talk to them all, mostly my mother-in law, whom I must say is handling this so well as always. She is such a strong & beautiful woman. Of course my sis & I are talking about everything under the sun but what is going on at this moment until I say I want to go see him. I'll just say that was hard and I have been praying. The hardest part is watching my teenage son fall apart when he sees his uncle laying in that bed. My heart fell. I don't know what is going to happen. He is on life support and heavily sedated to keep all his vitals low. My son wants me to tell him that he will be okay & I can't. His kidneys failed 12years ago & the transplants kidneys failed after 5 years. He was suppose to go to Dialysis & they told him he was okay to wait another day & this is what happened.

Needless to say I am still smoking & have postponed my quit date.

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November 14, 2006 • 4:10 pm
:: subject: Last Night
:: mood: giddy

Okay so maybe it is hard to journal everyday.

Last night I went to see Lyfe Jennings LIVE. He played at a club downtown & I had the time of my LIFE!!

I thought I would be in a awkward situation because of whom I chose to go with, but it turned out perfect! Absolutely perfect. The younger guy told me about the concert then I went with the one I love, that I broke up with. He is amazing & that is why I care about him so much. It turned out to be the most romantic evening I have ever had with the closet friend I have. I needed & deserved last night. I will never forget it. It has been etched into my soul. Oh and Lyfe Jennings was great too. I love his music.

Other than that I have been good all around. I have been spending time with my son & our extended family. We have been doing little family outings. I have known Thus young man since he was eleven or twelve years old. He was a really bad boy that lived on the court my son & I moved onto when he was in first grade. People told me I shouldn't let him play with my son because he was so bad. He had a rough home to say the least. Well now my son is 14 (showing my age) & he is 20. He & his girlfriend and their 8 month old baby have and apartment & are doing pretty good. I am so proud of how he has turned out. He is very dedicated & responsible when it comes to his family. I am so proud of them both.

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November 6, 2006 • 3:47 pm
:: subject: Catchup
:: mood: blah

I am trying to get use to journaling daily. I am supposed to do it per, let’s just call her a friend. I have had a trying year. I am still at the same job. The man I thought I would stay with forever because of my undying love for him, I am no longer with. I actually broke it off over the phone. I left a voice mail confirming that I was now single. I know it wasn’t the best way to do it,…. BUT he knew it was coming. He felt guilty and didn’t want to answer the phone so I left him a message. He called me about 2-3 weeks later. We are still close, very, VERY close…. We talk frequently enough. It just wasn’t the right time for us, no less love for each other. That is why the break was good to do early than wait until either of us hated each other. We both know why it wasn’t working and that it would end. We don’t know what the future lies for us either. One day at a time is how I will take it. Besides I have enough of myself to work on.
So I have had a few younger guys stalking me lately but I easily rid myself of them if I am not interested. I just can’t stand men that have no purpose or direction in life. One of them was just out right crazy and thankfully has moved down to Southern Cal. Hoping he’ll lose my phone number. The other one still text messages me occasionally. Having a hard time letting go. He has for the last 3 years. I accept full responsibility where my part lies in that. I like him as a friend. He is someone young and fun to talk with. He also is very good at flattery & ego boosting. I have never lied to him though. He has no direction and his life goes in the same nowhere circle constantly. Drama, drama, drama… Same sh-t, different day. Don’t care to hear it, if you don’t like the way your life is change it, only you can.
I am going to start working out & I started smoking cigarettes again. So I intend on stopping this week & filling that void with a little extra exercise. Which will help because you usually gain weight when you stop indulging in a habit. Since I stopped seeing one person, & indulging in extra-curricular activities I have put on some unnecessary weight. I want to get it off & get healthier.
So see I have a lot to work on & don’t need the interruptions of a man at this point in my life. Oh not that I don't absolutely LOVE playing with them though...

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November 4, 2006 • 4:38 pm
:: subject: passwords

Wow I have so many between work and home. I forgot this one. It took me forever to remember to log onto my home email address to get a new one since I usually journal at work.
So much has went on in my life since my last post. Well I am finally back.

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January 24, 2006 • 4:02 pm
:: subject: Lyfe
:: mood: content

How things change dramatically. I have committed myself to him, then broke up with him due to fear of committment and fear of cheating on him, to now being completely ready to committ with out fear of either. I mostly feared committment because I realized I was a cheater and I ddn't ever want to cheat on him but I didn't think I had control over the situation. Well I know now that I do not have control and that I could only ask that obsession to be removed by one being. I feel so released and free

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September 28, 2005 • 3:32 pm
:: subject: Premature
:: mood: loved

Okay by the time I got off work and made it to his house at least a billion thoughts ran rapidly through my mind. How do I bring this up? How when once we are in each others presence all we feel is love & laughter? Postpone it. We went & kicked it with some friends, even looked at a couple of duplexes on the back to his place. Still postponing, we have sex and it was great as always, but a little different this time. Whoa! So I just tell him that we are just lovers and I think that we prematurely jumped into things. Yea even after 17 years it was premature. We were both using each other & our feelings as an anchor to escape the messed up crap we are trying to escape. He said himself he didn't want to rush this, he doesn't want to bring any old bullshit with us when we start. Either do I. We both have a lot of self cleaning to do. So we have postponed moving temporarily. We have not postponed saving money to move out & settle down together though. We both at this time have those intentions once it is feasible for the both of us. We want to make sure it's done right when we do it. We value each other too much....

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September 27, 2005 • 6:18 pm
:: subject: Having second thoughts?
:: mood: nauseated

I'm scared now. I have commitment issues and they are flaring. I am scared to move out with him and feel like maybe we should wait. I need to pray for clarity. Are we both ready to settle down? I mean I know that we care a great deal about each other. I don't doubt our feelings, we have such a deeper bond than that. Part of me thinks it's because we have been lovers for so long we don't know how to be anything else. Then I get that "if it ain't broke don't try to fix it" attitude. But I would love to settle down with him for the rest of my days. It feels so perfect when we are together. I know it is just fear and I need to quit but it's hard. I am going to talk to him tonight maybe then I'll feel better. Right now I feel nauseous.

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September 19, 2005 • 5:33 pm
:: subject: The Husband
:: mood: accomplished

Okay so today I wrote my "Dear John" letter to my husband. Not that this is the first one he's received from me. It's been over for at least 8 years. I want a divorce now, it needs to be done. I want him to file and not to ask me for shit. Like to keep the medical, dental, & vision. I will send him the letter tonight so that will give him time to respond. I need to know that he has filed by the time of his release in November. It doesn't cost much for inmates to file for divorce so why not save me some money. I mean what else do you really have to do in there? I have a fulltime job & am a single mother of a teenager. It will cost me a lot more to file than if he does. If by November I haven't received papers or a letter saying they are coming I will just get an attorney and divorce him. I'll have to pay. It has to be filed before 02/16/06. That will be our 10 year anniversary. I refuse to let this get to 10 years when we have been seperated for more than 8. We never even lived together maybe 3 months out of the 10 years. And that is adding the days up. He is married to prison, that is his home. Oh please let him file. Pray for me please.
He has been going to N/A which benefits me. I have been in A/A for 3 1/2 years. If he is really working his program and doing the steps, he will file without any problem. He would know it is the right thing to do. A/A is the only reason I am able to be his friend. Without it I would be filled with so many resentments for everything he put me through.(Which is a book by itself.)

Someday it will all makes sense.... Maybe I'll do a family tree. lol

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September 13, 2005 • 4:25 pm
:: subject: 2bd,1ba
:: mood: crazy

Well things are moving along quite fast. I am now looking for a place for us to move in together. This is a very big step for me but I know I can do it. I have waited too long for this and we are both ready to settle down. We feel exactly the same about our situation. He told me that I am what he wants to settle down with and that when he is with me he feels more comfortable and relaxed than anyone he's ever been with. I feel the same, safe and at home. I really need to find somewhere to rent. This SUCKS!!!!

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August 23, 2005 • 4:38 pm
:: subject: Try & try again
:: mood: ecstatic

This is so wild! I can’t believe how I feel right now. “She” is now using the kids to try to get to me. She told me that her 17 y.o. ran away. Which is probably true and I would run away from her too. I know that is terrible but she is nuts and so is her mother. They judge everything you do like they are perfect. Well neither one of them has a heaven or hell to put me or her daughter in. I don’t know where she is but I’m sure that she is safe. I have prayed for her daughter to be safe but I cannot involve myself in “her” problems anymore.
I am with someone now. Someone who cares about my mind and well being, that cares about me not just themselves. It is a new feeling and very overwhelming. Sometimes I just sit and trip off of it. This is the whole deal. For me it was love at first sight with him, I was 15 years old. I have never cared about anyone like I have him. He has held a threat towards every relationship I’ve been in and they all knew it. Here’s telling my age, 17 years later I feel the same exact way about him. When he kisses me and touches me it feels just like the very first time. Every single time we touch it sends chills through my whole body. No man or woman has ever done that. He is my match, my other half, he completes me. He is my “split-apart”. Now that shows my age. We have finally come together after all these years and feel the same about eachother. It was as if we have known since right after high school we would be together one day. Once we grew up and got all the playing out of the way. We both needed to grow up on our own, with our own experiences in life. Our own trials and tribulations.

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