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April 22, 2010 • 9:55 am
:: subject: life

It has been soooo long since I have written here, but the need to
has over taken me.
I do not know why but life has began to repeat itself. I cannot help
but to wonder if I missed something the first time around that was so
important that I need to go through this again. Is it maybe my inability
to move forward, is it me that is living in the past and recreating
it as if it wasn't bad enough the first time? Am I suppose to do
something different? Either way I am stuck here.
Today in my life I am doing things with 3 different people that I was
doing the same things with 12 to 16 years ago. Weird part is that
between now and then I wasn't seeing any of these people. They
have just recently returned into my life in different ways and they
do not know one another either. They just know of each other because
of me as a common denominator. (smile) Back then one was my husband
and the other 2 were friends with benefits. Now they are all just friends
with benefits. Some with a little more benefits than the other.
Funny thing though, through all this my ex-girlfriend sent me a beautiful
diamond ring also. I kept the ring but ended up having to shut her down.
All the while the love of my life lives with his baby mama and still is
sooo possessive over me it is ridiculous!! He dislikes any and everyone
in my life besides himself.

Other than that my boys are now 18 years old and 2.5 years old. So I have 2 boys that both think they are grown. lol. I love them both though. They are great. I just took the 18 year old to see the Black Eyed Peas. We had a great time!!! My sister in law went with us too. My little one is crazy though.

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September 22, 2008 • 2:55 pm
:: subject: So busy with a bouncing baby boy!!!!
:: mood: sleepy

My computer died and with it I lost my email address and I couldn't remember my password to even log on to my journal when I was at a computer.

I can't believe it has been over a year since I have posted anything in my journal! So I guess I can try for a fill in.

I had my beautiful baby boy on Saturday November 24th, the day after black Friday. Whew. I got to go shopping the day after Thanksgiving. What an eventful time. Thanksgiving... Then shopping... Then having the baby. WHAT a weekend!
It was a long day though. My water broke at around 4:30 am & I drove myself to the hospital after breakfast and a shower. Once at the hospital, I walked & walked & walked trying to get this baby to get in gear, to no avail. The nurses said if I didn't start having regular contractions by 12:30 then would have to induce labor. Well they induce me around 1:30 gave me an epidural at around 3:30, and I had him at 7:54pm. One push. That was to make a long story short. Most of my labor I spent chit chatting with one of my best girlfriends and texting my other friend.
I named him Grant Michael and he weighed 8 lbs 9 ozs & was 21 inches long. Seems like it was yesterday except on Wednesday he will be ten months and this morning he took his first 3 steps on his own. I was blessed to be there... He has six teeth that he loves to use in every new way he can. He has his fathers side of the family's teeth which means he will have a beautiful smile.

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July 18, 2007 • 2:47 pm
:: subject: Do you have an appointment?
:: mood: blank

I went to the doctor yesterday and had a prenatal appointment. It was to go over the ultrasound and set up my next appointment.
The midwife I saw tells me that I have a fibroid cyst on my uterus but other than that my U/S was remarkable.
How do you take that?
She didn't seem worried said it was small. So I am not going to worry much.
Though in the back of my mind it makes me think of my sister-in-law. She was pregnant a couple years ago and didn't know that she had a cyst or the size of it. She found out because she began having severe cramping and started bleeding. She called 911 & was rushed to the hospital where she found out that she had a cyst and that as the baby grew it increased the pressure against the cyst causing it to rupture. In turn causing her to lose the baby & bleed internally.
Trying not to think too much about that. I figured the lady would have told me if it was a considerable size & if I needed to worry about it.
Oh I also had to go see this Social worker. She works for Kaiser. I think it is for if you are using drugs and stuff. She kept saying that everyone has to meet with her and also do a drug panel. Who knows I figured it was because when you do your prenatal paperwork it asks if there has ever been a history of drug or alcohol abuse. I, of course, being honest, marked the yes box. She still insisted that everyone goes through this and that most women that are currently using mark the no box? Makes enough sense. I meet with her because I have nothing to hide about my past. I did a lot of partying in my 20’s and alcoholism runs in my family. I drank more than the average person on a daily basis. I went to rehab in 2002 and haven't had a drink since. Whoo hoo! Well I think she tried to trip me up a couple times that is okay with me. Guess you have to try to be sneaky in her line of work. It really is for the benefit of the mother and the baby growing in her.
Most people have no idea what a 12 step meeting is like (except what you see on TV.) It was interesting. I go to a variation of 12 steps. Like AA, NA, MA. Yes MA, that is Marijuana Anonymous. Well there are only 2 meetings a week in my city, unlike other 12 step meetings. She knew where it was and gave me a round about wrong address. I told her the correct address and how it had been located at a Kaiser previously. We went back and forth with info & where I am at with my recovery. She was very nice and positive about my recovery. She did ask me about stress from being pregnant & other issues. I told her for the most part I am good. I really try not to stress much. I told her that the program has shown me that I only have control over my actions and all else is in God's hands. I pray for his will to be done and try to let the rest go. It does not always go away but I try to stay positive. She wants to meet again at my next appointment. Not just drugs/alcohol, she worries about depression during pregnancy. I'll be seeing her at the end of August then.
No I am not a bible thumper and anyone that knows me knows this. I do not even go to church. Though sometimes I think I should. I found a really cool pastor that goes through the bible in a very understanding easy way to interpret. Which is better than me trying to read it and decipher it myself.

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July 11, 2007 • 2:50 pm
:: subject: Ultrasound
:: mood: ecstatic

I had my ultrasound yesterday.
I woke up late and began downing the water you are suppose to drink and started to get sick. I had to stop & eat some toast. So when I got to my appointment my bladder was empty.
The U/S Tech was really nice. She said that with the bladder empty and the fact the the baby wouldn't stop moving and flipping all over the place it was going to be hard to get the measurements. Needless to say it took a long time and she was pushing hard on my stomach.
She also told me that usually her first baby U/S of the day sets the pace for the rest of the day. Oops. I apologized. I have seen the baby a couple of times and it always looks like a cardio workout is going on in there.
We talked through the U/S and I told her both my son and I wanted a boy. I'm just not a girly girl mom. I love other little girls just never wanted one. She told me she already knew what it was. I got really nervous thinking she must not be telling me because it's a girl and she wants to wait until the end to disappoint me.
After the measurements she went to get my son so he could see the baby. I ask if she told him and she said no but that now she was going to make me wait. As she is saying that I am looking at her and my son was looking at the screen. He says, "Oh that's a boy!" I turn and look and sure enough he is definitely a boy. Pretty plain as day. She said that what I was seeing is what I think it is and it is a boy.
I was so relieved and happy. I felt like I could finally exhale. I hope that doesn't sound too horrible. Now I just know he'll come out probably looking and acting just like his dad. Woe is me... But I am happy today!!!!

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June 27, 2007 • 2:40 pm
:: mood: cheerful

I talked to my ex husband last night. We actually had a nice conversation. He wasn't overly mushy or dramatic and seemed genuinely interested in the baby and I. How I am feeling? Can I feel the baby? He seems to be getting kind of excited or at least more interested. I told him everything and that I was feeling flutters, I haven't lately but am not going to panic. I told him I still sleep on my stomach and that "Bob" is definitely there and I am having trouble getting comfortable to go to sleep. Which brought about the "Bob" questions. So I explained it and we laughed.
I figure his excitement is because he knows the ultrasound is soon, July 10th. I am really hoping that we can see what the baby is. I want to start preparing now. I had no idea my son was going to be a boy & I really thought I was having a girl. That is why he was named after his dad. I have so much trouble picking boys names. Already I know what the baby will be named if it is a girl.
Maybe I will ask Nyree if he wants to go to the U/S appointment with me. He did get to hear the heart beat when I was first pregnant. I had some trouble and so they did an U/S. I was only 4 weeks pregnant so it just looked like a circle and had a heartbeat. He really tripped out off of that. He was asking the tech if he could get a recording of the heartbeat. I've never seen him that way before.
I am now 18w2d and starting to show a little. Just in the past week and a half a lot has changed. Bob gets in my way when I lay on my stomach and he won't move out of the way. I will have to start sleeping a little different hopefully. I have never been able to sleep any other way. My son thinks I am mean. I told him I slept on as much of my stomach that I could the whole pregnancy. I would just push him to the side and lay on my belly. He thinks that is mean.
I have also felt flutters of movement in my stomach. Bob pushes out on my belly so my son has felt him and it freaked him out. Just how hard it feels. I think it made Bob more real and kind of scared him. Maybe now he'll quit trying to wrestle with me all the time. He jerked his hand away and said, "No don't push on him hard you're going to dent him." I try to tell him he is very safe and has like a cushioning around him. He still felt a little weird which is strange because he has felt my friend's stomachs when their babies move so hopefully he gets over it.
I have new aches and pains all over the place too.
Okay I have babbled enough.

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June 18, 2007 • 7:06 pm
:: subject: nerves
:: mood: nervous

Today I go a prenatal appointment. I am 17 weeks and they are going to do the blood work to make sure the baby is okay. I am really nervous, because regardless to what everyone says, I feel too old to be pregnant. I know that I am not but it makes me crazy anyhow.
I just can't wait until next month when I go for my ultrasound and find out whether it is a boy or girl. I am hoping for a boy. But either is okay I just want it to be heatly more than anything.
I have a boy, 15 years old. Boys are easy. They do rough stuff that makes you wonder if they are trying to break something, but for the most part they are easy going. My ex has 2 daughters and WOW! Girls test you way more than boys.

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June 13, 2007 • 9:59 pm
:: mood: blah

I should really post more often I probably always say that too. I have a friend that told me she reads these to keep up on the goings on in my life. My life rapidly changes though. I realized that from my last post... How cheesy!

Well since December 18th a lot has happened. I think that "make up" thing was more of a temporary "good bye" thing. Either way he & I are still close friends and once and a while more.

I can try to do a quick important dates kind of update.

January 13, 2007 my divorce was final. WHOO HOO!
February 17 – 19th went out of town for Convention
February 27th went to see ex-husband to take him a letter re: recently deceased brother
March 3rd or 9th got pregnant by ex-husband
March 27th spent with "my love" (not ex-husband)
March 29th found out I was pregnant (knew it was ex-husbands)
End of April told "my love" I was pregnant and by who

Now I am just being me, and going to prenatal appointments. I had a real hard time dealing with the fact that I got pregnant and who the daddy is. I didn't think I could even get pregnant. I mean come on, I have a 15 year old and that is it. I have never gotten pregnant since then and it surely wasn't the lack of, well you know, or that I am the safe sex poster child. I know that is terrible but hey... I really have thought for years I was just broken. It even saddened me last year when "my love" and I talked about having a baby together. I told him and one of my friends I didn't think I even could get pregnant. Well this changed all that but it's not his baby and that was hard to deal with also.
He is very supportive and doesn't like who I am pregnant by but handles it the best I guess you can. He can't really say anything because he has been seeing someone else. He just doesn't want me to go backwards and thought I had finally closed that terrible chapter. This ties me to my ex forever type of deal.
As far as being pregnant I am very tired and sleepy a lot. I go for an ultrasound tomorrow on my thyroid and blood test they want to check my thyroid levels. ??? Then on Monday I go to the OB for my monthly check up. I can't wait for my July 10th Ultrasound. I am hoping to see what this thing is. According to the Chinese gender charts it says I am having a boy. My problem. What to name him? I don't know how to pick a boys name. I guess I got some time to figure it out. I already know what I'll name it if it is a girl.
My son calls the baby Bob just to be a smart ass. My closest friends daughter calls it Bob and Samantha "just in case it's a girl". She is 4 y.o. and a crack up. She talks to my stomach all the time. She puts her mouth on my stomach and yells "WHAT ARE YOU DOING BOB?" and then whispers to me that he is sleeping. She is very interested in him or her. Her brother, whom is 16 y.o., says the baby should be named after him because he is so cool. Can't do that. I have been soliciting for names. I want something semi normal. I gave them a list to pick through and got pretty much bad responses. I love the name Hunter. I don't know why. My son said, “That is way to white". My child will be bi-racial as is my current child. So I guess I need to have a neutral name.

Okay that's it for now. I am tired and my break is over.

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December 18, 2006 • 5:05 pm
:: subject: Love is a wonderful thing
:: mood: busy

We kissed.... and kissed.... and... and made up & shopped all weekend.
I do not know how he does it. How he melts my heart so easily & sweeps me off my feet all over again. After all these years to still have such intense, passionate feelings for a man is beyond me.

I have so much to do this week, I feel overwhelmed. I do not ever remember being this busy the week before Christmas. I have to work all week and every day after work I am busy. I have to go to a meeting tonight. Pick up pictures and pay a bill tomorrow. I still have to make peanut brittle also. A whole bunch of brittle. I have to find a quiet restaurant to go to dinner with my Grandmother who is coming in from Iowa tomorrow. I have to make Salsa for work because we are having a potluck. Oh & my candles are suppose to come in from the Party Lite party I had for a friend. I need to distribute those because some of them are gifts. It is just a crazy busy week this week. Finish shopping & wrapping gifts too. I am putting together a foosball table for my son now, so that on Christmas day he does not want me to spend the whole day putting it together so he can play it!
Then there is work. I am going to put in for a promotional exam. Just to add some extra stress to the season. I do not know why they could wait until January to put the exam out.

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December 15, 2006 • 5:19 pm
:: subject: He called me.....
:: mood: confused

I hate that I love him so much. As the saying goes, it's a thin line between love & hate.
I changed my voicemail for all those unwanted callers. My sponsor tells me that "he" will be the hardest one to resist talking too. I tell her I know that, because it tugs at my heart strings. Really pulls hard.
Him & I have been friends for 18 years & probably in love for most of those. I just never realized it was love all those years when I was younger so I kept him at a distance, afraid of it.
I had a voicemail flagged urgent from him stating that I need to change my voice mail & call him back today. It instantly makes my heart sink. I feel as though I lose my breathe. Every emotion inside me starts to somersault & I get flush.

I called him back.
How could I not?

I have considered him my best friend, I can tell him anything & everything. I never thought that he would hurt me, I trust him so much. That was the biggest reason I didn't want to be in a relationship with him. I knew that I wouldn't be able to process him hurting me because it would be so unexpected, being that he has always been the protective friend, not letting me get hurt. Sheltering me from pain in so many ways. If I did hurt he was always there to help me pick up the pieces & make sense of everything. He was my rock.

Back to the call....
He apologized to me & said he is going to try to change. That it really bothers him that his choices are hurting me because he really cares about me a lot and has never wanted his actions to hurt me. I have told him that he hurt me before but this last time what he did hurt my heart. It was unexpected. I am not the crying type & hadn't cried over him before, in 18 years. This time it made me cry. He hurt me as a friend not a girlfriend.
He hurt my feelings and it made me angry and feel hate towards him. Like the little threads that had weaved our hearts so tightly together over the years had instantly been singed by those tears. I could feel them snapping with each tear that fell.
He knows how I feel. He knows what it did this time. I had invited him to come to a meeting with me in which I was being honored. It was life changing & meant so much to me for him to be there & he flaked me off in the worse way possible.

He wants to see me tonight....

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December 12, 2006 • 5:14 pm
:: subject: The NEED to vent!!!!
:: mood: pissed off

I am so exhausted in every possible way, mentally, emotionally, physically, and even financially. Maybe it is December that is draining all the life force from my body & mind. I doubt it though.
I am trying to change my life and there are certain people that drain my emotions that I need to remove from my life. I have even decided to change my voicemail to ward off these people in a subtle way. I just need to do so in a tactful way not to offend everyone that calls. Hopefully a few of them are not so self-centered to realize I am talking about them, all of them. One hurts me so much to do but I must before my heart is broken. The others are just a thorn in my side. The biggest thorn being Wendy. She is so stuck in the past & hung up on a guy that does not even want her. I do not think it would bother me so much if she did not sound like an idiot about the whole situation. She is one of those let me have baby to stayed tied to the guy females. I can't stand those. But she tries to pretend that isn't it. She cannot stand kids, they get on her nerves bad. It is very easily seen. She has 2 kids, one of them is about 10 or so and the other is 2. The one that is ten does not live with her she gave her to her sister when she was just a baby. Now she has a 2 year old that she yells at constantly & cannot handle at all. To me she just keeps him with her because she uses him to hold something over her baby daddy. She is obsessed with him she cannot go 30 seconds without bringing him up. It is so over the top!!! She constantly says that she just wants him to be a good father to her son & be there as a father. My question? #1 What about you being a good mother & not worry about the father thing? #2 What about the daughter? Should you not care about her having a good mother or father? It just doesn't make sense to me. You don't really want to parent either child but you are willing to go to any length to make him be a father just to have him close to you? You can't make somebody something they don't want to be whether it is right or wrong. All you can do is worry about self & if how you are living is right. I am not trying to sound self righteous either. I have one son. I know that I could have been a better mom, but I am trying now, one day at a time. I have never pond him off to another to raise nor have I tried to force compliance by his father to be there. That is between them. I just do what I can do.

And that is the tip of the iceberg with her. I could go on and on....

She even gets his daughter that isn't hers more than she gets her daughter?

I'm cutting everyone negative off. I don't want to be around it they bring me down.

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